I’m really disappointed that my kids, especially my eldest daughter, don’t want anything of mine other than my jewellery. I feel like we are the last generation that cares about nostalgia and tradition. The beautiful throw pillows I bought as a newlywed, my grandma’s China, books, artwork, they don’t want any of it. And now I have no idea what to do with it all. I’m trying to downsize and it’s proving impossible because my kids won’t help me, they just don’t care about any of it. Am I supposed to just declutter all these antiques to an op shop?
Dear disappointed parent.
I’m so sorry you feel like no one cares. That’s not the case. But overwhelmingly – you’re right, kids don’t want their parent’s stuff, but not for the reason you think.
It’s not because we don’t care about it, it’s because we do.
Wrong or right, I and many people my age live in a culture of transient belongings. Things aren’t collected to be kept forever. The expensive throw pillows I bought when I got my first apartment 16 years ago are long gone.
I have no memory of getting rid of them, but like most things made in the current century – I imagine they dissolved with time.
Our children’s clothes come easily, from chain stores or in giant bags of hand-me-downs from mother’s group friends. And it still breaks our hearts just a little bit when it’s time to declutter them.
The pillows you bought for your first house are still intact. The baby clothes you made lasted long enough for your grandkids to wear. Your grandma’s China is probably still pristine, often in boxes.
And for the most part, we don’t want them. We are begging you not to try to give them to us. Not because we don’t care, but because we do. We care a lot.
Aussie families are drowning in clutter. And it’s a huge issue on so many levels. And the research suggests that there’s a direct link between a cluttered environment and cortisol levels in women. It’s quite literally causing real and damaging stress. Homes are jam-packed, op shops are overloaded, hard rubbish collections are heaving. We have too much stuff. We are trying to do Spring Declutter Challenges and diving into pantry organising with wild abandon – just to feel a little more in control. My most-read article is this step by step plan for cleaning a messy home. People are overwhelmed.
This is why there’s such a movement towards minimalism. Some linen brands have stopped selling sets with top sheets, many homes don’t own an iron – it’s not just your stuff we don’t want. Millennials are cutting the fat wherever they can. We are decluttering everything that’s not nailed down.
And without any doubt, the most difficult things to declutter are sentimental items. But you know that, that’s why you’re desperately trying to find a taker for yours. Ask anyone expert in the area, things that belonged to loved ones, gifts and heirlooms are next to impossible to part with. And let’s be honest, not everything can be an heirloom.
It’s hard enough to part with our memories.
But being given the job of managing, storing and eventually parting with someone else’s is just too much to handle right now.
Our kids are still coming home with artwork from school, soccer jerseys are being grown out of – baby teeth, school photos and birthday invitations are passing through our hands and landing on kitchen benchtops daily.
Our lives are full of beautiful and meaningful trinkets and we are in a constant decision-making state. We are deep in our own memory-making era, worrying we don’t have enough videos of our youngest, keeping track of report cards and tiny ballet shoes. We are carrying this responsibility for our families – and it’s heavy!
I’m a home organiser, I help people declutter their lives every day – and decluttering the things passed down from parents creates more stress than anything else. And I’m not talking about mum’s jewellery or dad’s favourite hat. I’m talking about the trinkets, the photos, the wedding china. Bedspreads, furniture, pots and pans, antiques. I have a client who still has all of her parent’s books, degrees and professional achievements framed in boxes in the garage. She can’t bring herself to throw them away as it feels like an attack on their memory.
And these things aren’t just causing her guilt, her teenagers can’t use their drumkit or pool table because it’s all in the way.
How did she end up with it all? Her parents passed and she is the eldest daughter, so she was expected to shoulder this load. If they were still around she could have a conversation with them about where they wanted these things to land.
We know that there are things in your home that are important to you.
Symbolic of the life you lived, the choices you made and the things you achieved. What you built. But your children are also what you built. And that’s more representative of your memory than a collection of antique teapots (which found their way to the antique shop because someone, somewhere decided to declutter them.)
We want their mother’s jewellery, not because it’s worth something, it’s because it’s small, it’s usable, it usually comes in a beautiful box that we remember looking through. It’s timeless and one size fits all. It is something we can wear close to our skin. Not one of my clients ever wanted their mother’s jewellery so they could sell it, it’s sentimental. They care.
But the china no one was allowed to use, (and it’s slightly concerning levels of lead) doesn’t hold that same importance to most people.
You are trying to give this stuff away because you don’t want it either. So please, don’t be hurt – they probably don’t want it because they do care. It’s time for you to make some hard decisions about decluttering your stuff. Try to find it a home that doesn’t burden anyone.