I’m really overwhelmed and don’t know where to start – my kids are 3 and 5, our house is always a mess. There are toys everywhere, bags to donate, bags to go through, bags for my sister’s kids, bags that haven’t been unpacked. I feel like I’m always doing housework and I just blink and it’s trashed again. I live in fear of someone dropping in. I don’t feel like we can host play dates and getting out the door is so stressful because we can never find what we need. I feel like the state of our house is my personal failing as a mother. I wish I didn’t care, but I do. We can’t afford a cleaner or to pay an organiser to help, between child care and interest rates, there’s nothing left at the end of the week. My husband doesn’t help that much because he is too busy and says he doesn’t know where to start, but I don’t either and somehow it’s still my problem.
Oh hun,
I hear you – I see you – and you’re not alone.
Some people find keeping their homes decluttered easy, some don’t. Some people are happy when their homes are messy, some aren’t. Some people have enough support in their lives, some don’t.
It sounds to me like you’re living on the wrong side of each of those factors. And it’s ok to want to change that. It’s also incredibly important that you prioritise those things because no one else will. And you deserve to be happy.
My husband cleans the gutters, that’s his job. I have never actually seen the gutters and they don’t really exist in my world. I’m never going to wake up and decide that I’ll take that job over. Firstly, why would I want to add a dirty, high-maintenance job to my schedule? And also – the gutters aren’t even on my radar. If my husband wants to get more support in that area, he’s the one who’s going to have to drive it. Why am I telling you this? Because no one is going to see your load and take it off your hands. You’re going to have to drive that train.
Without seeing your home, I’m going to say – quite
confidently – that you have too much stuff.
This isn’t because of what you wrote, or what was written between the lines, it’s because almost every home run by an overwhelmed parent has this problem. The world has this problem – and the thing that is going to make the difference in your home – and your life is to simply start marching things out the door. Here are 76 things you can start with.
The bags to donate, the toys that are everywhere, the stuff you’re saving for your sister. Don’t make piles, don’t pop them in the garage, don’t try to sell secondhand clothes or mend things or deliver things to the perfect place. Just pack them into all of your spare shopping bags and get them in the passenger seat of your car.
If your sister wants that stuff, drop it off. Or ask her to come and get it in the next week. Google a textiles recycler in your area and drop off anything that can’t be donated. And fill the donate bins at your local shops. And you can do this daily. One bag at a time.
You are going to slowly, systematically and with wild abandon, thin out the
contents of your home until you feel under control.
You deserve a home that you want to come home to. You deserve to enjoy your tidy space for over a minute before it gets undone. And no organisational system is going to help you if you don’t declutter first.
I want you to approach this like the epic project it is. You’re the manager and it’s your job to come up with a plan. Then you give your husband a role in this. Maybe put him in charge of op-shop drop-offs? Then you just have to fill his boot. Or, ask him to take over all the laundry or cooking for the time being so you can spend that time mining your house for things to get rid of.
It takes time, effort and resources to landscape an overgrown garden, your messy house is no different. This project can’t just be done in five-minute intervals with a toddler on your hip. Well, it can – but it will take a LONG time.
Remember, you’re husband’s not going to offer to take over all the cooking, or all the laundry, or all the soccer training so you have a set time a day to work on this declutter project. You need to decide on a plan and demand the help you need to make it happen. You can also get him to read this step by step plan for cleaning a messy home. Or print him out a copy of this Spring Declutter Challenge. That will help him to know where to start.
I want you to also consider cutting some corners while you’re doing this. Quit folding your kid’s clothes, have cereal for dinner, and let the dog go a day without a walk. You can’t do it all.
You shouldn’t have to live in fear of someone you
like spending time with dropping into your home.
That’s no way to live. You’re not failing as a mother – society is failing mothers. Schools asking that kids have orange shirts for Harmony Day, Insta-parents doing Christmas-level hauls for Easter, grandparents who over-gift – husbands who don’t take an active role in the home – that’s what’s failing us.
This should not be ‘all your problem’, but it will be if you don’t make change happen. And take it from me, getting your home under control is a worthy goal. And if your partner is a good person, he should see the value and join you. If he’s not – you’re still going to want to take on this mission. It’s amazing how empowering cutting the dead wood can be…